Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
