He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
