I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
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