its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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