I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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