I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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