Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I need a beard to bite.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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