but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
