every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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