Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
