I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
