Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
