Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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