I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize