it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
