if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
