you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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