maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
