Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
And then my night got REAL pukey
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
