so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
