I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
