If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
How does it feel to date your dad?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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