Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
