Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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