I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
