Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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