i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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