I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
