So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
