Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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