this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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