Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
how does that bad decision feel?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
