all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
