I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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