i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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