When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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