i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
We got so high we made milksteak
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
