I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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