The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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