I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
MIDGETS
????
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
