my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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