Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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