i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
