I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
