you're like a bully in the Christmas story
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
