I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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