During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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