what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
