last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I need a hoe opinion
go on
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
