i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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