my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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