in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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