she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
