i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
