Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
the liver wants what the liver wants
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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