i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I have fence marks all over my body
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
