Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
