Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
God, I missed his penis.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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