My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
