i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
