It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
