I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i think i have two assholes
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
