My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
