I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Did you pee in the oven last night??
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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