I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
