Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize