it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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