are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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