I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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