whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
