his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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