Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
